French la Vie

Stand Still and Take the Moment at Hand

Faith Before All

The Bird's Nest

 

While on my daily walk around the rice fields Sacha pointed out a red wing crow's nest in the ditch amongst the reeds. I would not have noticed it as it was well concealed and neatly created. A masterpiece exactly as nature is.

We marked the path so we could go back and check to see when the blue eggs had hatched.

Yesterday two of them hatched and today the third one did.

Newbies to the world.

I will check on them daily and keep you posted on the growth.

 

New life. So refreshingly sweet and gentle on the weary moments of this time.

We Still Have to do the Hike

  

This quote was on a friend’s Facebook, it resounded in me so I thought I would share it.

After these endless days that have turned into weeks, that have stretched into months with no end in sight some of us are shifting our position and some of us are wondering what is next to stay safe shelter if we can or to venture out occasionally or to just get on with it. 

When I go out my senses are heightened, I am anxious which is a feeling a rarely entertain and when I see someone I know I become awkward not knowing what I should do as I am a hugger I feel the urge to hug, and at the same time the desire to hide. I do not hug anymore which is understandable and disappointing, I back up instead and feel guilty for not trusting. 

Someone recently told me I have to get out, get going, and live outside of my safety zone. I stood speechless. I asked if she believed in herd immunity which I added is as far off as a vaccine. She said she didn’t know about that, doesn’t follow the news, but chances are we are all going to get it so we might as well get it and get over it. Still dumbfounded by my friend’s calm demeanor I asked if she was afraid of becoming desperately sick and possibly dying? She rolled her eyes most people get sick a little and move on.

I replied I could stay safe and didn’t want to take a chance of being the one who would need a ventilator.

My friend waved her arms, I am so over this. It is not that big of a deal.

Division without wanting it so. 

It is surreal. 

Stay safe if you want.

Go out and follow the guidelines.

Do what you think is right.

But please be kind.

 

 

 

The Walk in Nature

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Miss You

 
I miss you 

you know that

I don’t need to say it

and I know you miss me.

Missing feels sad and tender at the same time

like an arrow piercing and an invisible hug

missing you and you and you and you...

I wonder what it is like not to be missing someone?

 

Casting our Stone

 

 

Years ago there was an interview about Mother Theresa who was in India caring for the dying.

In this particular interview, Mother Theresa was feeding a starving baby while reporters pestered her with comments such as: "You cannot save the dying, you are only one person, look at you care for one baby in the sea of many dying people. What is that you are doing... feeding one life?" and as they threw their insulting accusing anger towards her, Mother Teresa focused on the baby in her arms saying, "Look how he takes the bottle, look how he looks in my eyes, look how he is eating..."

She focused on hope and stood in the sea of suffering doing what she could:

A small stone cast causes ripples.

Those ripples spread forth regardless of what it will run into. 

Casting our stone is a daily choice. 

Just Me

I Love You Mom

 

 Over the last few years, Yann and I toyed with the idea of my coming over to California to spend a few months with my mom while she was/is in good health. Yann and I wonder what the best time was, and like things that are not urgent, it was pushed back to let's wait and see maybe next spring, or after the baby is born, or maybe after this project or after we do this or that... and then my brother found out he had cancer earlier this year and I came home as soon as I could planning to stay a few weeks to see if I could help out and then Covid 19 came along, such a game-changer which prolonged my stay giving me the incredible moment of extended time to share with my mother.

A blessing in disguise.

 

Since I married and moved to France I have come back to California to visit my family every year for a few weeks. At first, I came alone, then with the birth of each of our two children, we never missed a year and sometimes coming twice in a year. It was a commitment Yann and I made when we married, I would move to France but I would come back to visit my family every year and when we had children they would come too we kept to it no matter the cost nor what was going on in our lives. It wasn't easy at times, but we managed to make it work. As our children grew and became adults they started to come to visit my family on their own which meant I had succeeded in giving them the opportunity to know my family as deeply as if we lived here. 

 

 

(My childhood room)

So here I am. With my mom in her home that I have known since I was a child, it has been three months. Now I must toy with the idea of when to go home. I flew over with Luftansa their flights have been grounded since March, nonetheless, I learned today that their flights will restart in June I am told.

My mother and I have spent our day tending the house, the garden, cooking, watching old movies, and observing the ever-changing fields around the house. Spending our time at home as many are doing to be safe for ourselves and others has removed the commitments, routines, and expectations that have given way to abundant time to simply be together which I have loved. A mighty blessing.

 

 

What I have learned is that my mother and I are similar but very different from one another. I have known this since I was a child. But being together as we have I see our differences not as a problem but more out of curiosity. How did I grow up so different from my mom? She is structured where I am spontaneous, she is a rule follower except for card playing. My mom follows a recipe to the grain of salt never altering what a recipe calls for, I cannot follow a recipe (I like to make them up), and if I must follow a recipe I usually change it ten times over. When we were working on puzzles she sees the puzzle by their shapes where I see the pieces of a puzzle by color. My mom prays the rosary I pray in silence. My mom can keep a secret, um... I cannot. My mom leads her life according to her faith, her God, the sees the good in people. I do too after I look around the corner, question, and maybe change directions here and there. I admire my mother's qualities especially because I lack them... Especially her courage to face anything through the lens of faith and goodness.

My mother is comfortable in her skin a rare gift these days for older women it seems, she is generous in her day to day life with others, and doesn't doubt who she is she is:

A woman of faith and goodness.

I am fortunate to have this time with my mom. To be alone with her. To sit through days just being together watching re-runs of Gunsmoke and Jeopardy. 

Happy Mother's Day to my beautiful graceful firecracker Mother! 

xxx

Also Happy First Mother's Day dear darling Chelsea

xxx

Tell me about your mother.

 

 

Rowing My Boat

 

 

We have little control over how life will unfold.

We can plan, create, directed our desires, and dreams into a hopeful reality. But in the end, it is life's currents that take us down the stream. It brings new meaning to the children's song

"...row, row, row your boat gently down the stream..."

Life is graceful, enduring, intense, magical, and tough. And so much more.

Nonetheless, with family and friends, with love, courage, and grace which weaves between us creating a space of faith and hope to lean on. 

I am taking it as it comes.

I row sometimes merrily, and other times I am thankful that someone else is there doing what needs to be done, and other times I am just rowing.

 

Guess Who is Walking

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gabriel is walking.

 

What a Day Will Bring

 

The silver lining being home with my mother and son during COVID 19 is this extension of time, together as we pass these uncertain days I get to be with them with quality and quantity of time on hand. Plus the space and fields around my mother's home allow us a freedom that many do not have. A friend who lives in Milan, Patricia, said yesterday was the first time they could walk outside without a purpose there was dancing on the street. What a very different isolation it would be if I could not go outside and walk around as I do. I would miss seeing the lambs, the fox, the birds, the turtles, the horse, the chickens, the squirrels, the jackrabbit, cottontails ... life.

 

 

 

 

The canal stood still for months with dry cracks tracing the length of her course aching for the spring season for water to flow. And seemingly with the turn of a few days, the canal's belly was swollen full. Water lushed with gentle swells induced by the wind canal carried the water to the fields that too had been waiting after being toiled, combed and groomed dug and turned up with a sharp blade. Once the water flowed little by little the dry soil appeared like a lake, miles of lakes.

Then the crop duster does its dance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Where Do Your Thoughts Lead You?

 

The frame is very old, missing a few pieces, and crooked.

The tiny metal shield has two angels painted on it with a monstrance.

Behind the two objects a page out of French book with words such as Holy Family, Take Courage, Contrast, Divinity, Faith... a page out of a religious text that is certain, but not intended.

Why am I posting this? It spoke to me as things sometimes do. 

In this uncertainty

where most things feel askew

and change happens each day

I look for peace, for a space of calm, for beauty in my path

and try to be in the moment at hand instead of trying to put things in order.

...

Where do your thoughts lead you these days?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finding Sweetness

One Pink Iris

 

My mother found one delicate pink iris in her garden.

I have been posting a photo of a flower every day on Facebook.

So far over forty photos since I started six weeks ago. I started posting photos because the news of coronavirus was overwhelming and I wanted to do something to bring peace in the storm.

Today it was a pink iris that bloomed in my mother's garden I took that as a sign of hope.

 

 

We Do What We Can and Best When We Do It Together

 

Gabriel is ten months old and he loves to crawl up to his mom and dad and take their hand so he can walk. He loves to walk and walk and walk but not by himself not just yet.

He knows who he can trust and who to turn to when he wants to walk.

Simply by going towards them and taking their hand.

We are stronger together than alone.

And if we can not be together physically we must reach out to one another.

We do what we can and it amazes me what we can do when we do it together.

Standing strong by encouraging one another.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spring What Will You Bring For Us

 

 

Return of happiness that is what the first of May brings in with spring.

That is what the Lily of the valley symbolizes.

Spring: Morning light, the flowering almond, and cherry trees, awakening color, the roses growing over my bedroom window, birds song- especially the evening owls singing their mating song that I love so much, the scented air that stops me on my walks, butterflies, the delicate days that carry into the evening.

Spring comes in as I leave the window open at night, listening to the thundershowers.

  

 

 

Muguet under lace,

Emotion close to the surface,

Pulling back winter's blanket,

Awakening.

 

 

 

What would is your teinture-tincture for Spring?

 

A drop of sunshine,

a sprig of thyme,

a blush of pink by pinching a baby's cheek...

a note of Pomp and Circumstance as the graduates march.

 ...

 

How I wish that which I held so true merely a few months ago was the truth now.

What will Spring be like next year?

 

 

A blog reader named Penni wrote a shocking comment (yesterday's comments) about her experience during the lockdown in her town. It saddens me. I am so grateful for the group of friends, the community that I feel with you all on my blog.

Godspeed xxx

 

 

 

My Brother’s Almond Orchard

 

It is hard to believe that 12 years ago I came home on Feb 5th because my dad was ill, I quickly packed a few things and came to be by his side. I ended up staying for seven months. During that time Yann came over three times, and Chelsea and Sacha came over twice. 

Fast forward to the present date... I came to California on Feb 6th to be by my family because of my brother's illness. Soon it will be three months. Sacha came from Seattle and has been here for several weeks. I do not know for certain when I will return I imagine as the States open up I will know when it is safe to return... maybe summer?

In the meantime, Chelsea sends me daily videos of Gabriel. Yann sends photos of our garden, and I walk between five to eight miles around the rice fields. In the last few days, I helped Sacha in my brother's orchard while listening to a book online: "Education" by Tara Westover.

We are fine but also missing one another. Everyone is missing someone, thing, or purpose. We are in this together.

What a blessing to be under the canopy of the almond trees, listening to the sound of nature, and the buzz of farming in the nearby fields. I am home and my other home is within me. If my foot is in one, my heart is holding the other. 

Where are you? And how are you?

 

 

Photos by Sacha

 

In Memory of my Dad

The Sweetest Bloom in our Garden

 

Roses from my garden back in France. Chelsea and co. came to stay with Yann for several days. Our garden is at its best in May. But this year the roses bloomed in advance as did the Irises.

Chelsea and Yann both have been sending me photos that please me.

Those Eden roses give perfume as beautiful as they look.

 

 

 

Gabriel enjoyed discovering our garden especially the rainwater gathered on the mushroom stools.

He also gave everyone no rest as he likes to put everything in his mouth rocks are his favorite.

 

 

Oh my, I want to kiss him.

 

Incognito

Childhood Bedroom

 

Looking out to this view that I know by heart even with the ever changing rice fields as they alternate between seasons. Change and rebirth constant companions feel like nothing compared to this gigantic shift. Serene from my window brings me what I need for the day x

 

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Reinhold Niebuhr AMERICAN THEOLOGIAN

Superstar Breakfast

My mother is a baker. Baking comes to her naturally. My mom would love to bake all day long but I prefer to walk than to roll. And roll I would if I eat all her would be goodies. I am no fun as I do not want her to bake.

But breakfast cream puffs oh yes bring them on!

Today Like Yesterday and Possible Tomorrow

M o n d a y

T u e s d a y

W e d n e s d a y

T h u r s d a y 

S a t u r d a y 

S u n d a y 

 

 

Write it on Your Heart

Some Bright Spots

 

 

The Garden of Black and White

Tangled in the black and white

nothing seems certain 

once where your fragrance guided me to such a sweet place

now the ache of not knowing leads the reins

I took for granted the littlest of things not knowing how they could change 

not ever questioning the possibility

a rose with its enchanting perfume 

standing in the aisle looking at one thing and another not being rushed

going to your house without calling you first

sitting by you smelling your perfume

knowing what day it was

The garden of black and white was never grey. 

 

Hope Against the Odds

 

When walking in what feels like a dark tunnel what brings hope is a flicker of light, no matter how small, at the end of the tunnel.

Faith is something personal and either the person has it or doesn't and one might start to look for it because of need.

Encouragement from others can help with focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel and not the darkness that surrounds, encouragements such as, "You are moving in the right direction".

When the tunnel goes on and on as it sometimes does there might need to be a dose of humor, touches of unexpected kindness, and moments of the sacred made visible.

Often another hand to help you find your way, walking with alone can be an extra burden.

I am having a hard time keeping up with the many wonderful messages you are sending me! I appreciate each and every one of them. And so I want to say here and now to those of you who have asked me how my brother is doing:

My brother is a marvel and he is walking through this tunnel with more courage imaginable. Your prayers and messages have been beacons of light! Thank you so much. This Wednesday he will have another chemotherapy session I believe it is the sixth one. Thank you for remembering on Wednesday.

xxx 

 

 

 

Will Hugging be in our Children's Memory?

 

My sister in law is a well-loved elementary school teacher. The other day while she was at the grocery store trying to go quickly and being mindful of her every movement a child-student saw her and came running up to her with open arms, "Mrs. Amaro!!" Then as fast as her excitement mounted the little girl abruptly stopped and stood back knowing she could not hug her teacher.

Is this a new world for our children who might not have a history of hugging as they grow up in this new environment?

It made me feel sad thinking about it today. 

 

 

 

Standing in the Midst of it All

That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse.

Source: Leaves of Grass (1892)

This is Happiness

Unsung Hero

 

Blackbirds flew in a perfect pattern landing gracefully on the freshly toiled field while

Dust billowed in the distance behind the farmer’s tractor

As the sun’s golden fingers touched the earth and redden my face, the canals filled with water made ready to flood the fields where the rice seed will float and root. The raw endless beauty of soil, sun, water, seed... harnessed by the unsung hero for tomorrow's harvest.

Daily miles walks around this land over the last two months have brought me gratitude, meditation, and serenity in these uneasy times. Nature has a way of inviting reflection, especially this moment where the world has stopped, (did nature have a hand in this?) I saw a Tiger Swallowtail there use to be plenty in our yard when I was a child I hadn't seen one in years. Two honkers, a couple, are now living with the sheep, Sacha saw a turtle in the creek, but the most enchanting is the dance of hundreds of pairs of wings in flawless movement in a blue sky without a single stitch mark from a jet.

Ah, the everyday life of land untamed and holy giving us life.

 

Photo via Godspeed Instagram (Sacha's photograph)

 

 

Ten Months Old

A very blurry photo of you sleeping,

I see you in my dreams.

hearing you in my heart and in my days without you, I send you my love.

Happy Ten Months Old Baby Gabriel xxx

 

Who Have I Become?

I went to the grocery store today wearing a mask my cousin made for me, hands in gloves, sanitizer wipes that I made myself. I wiped the grocery cart down, took out my list and went as fast as I could to gather the necessary things. In the toilet paper aisle, I was surprised to see toilet paper I almost didn’t recognize it. As I went to put one of them in my cart a friend came along wearing a mask I barely recognized him. We said hello and smiled underneath our masks. He came towards me to put his arm around my shoulder and I literally jumped back. I don’t know if I was more surprised by him crossing the 6 feet social distancing barrier or by my reaction of jumping back. In February I was a  hugger yet several weeks later I am a jumper. We talked a bit and went our separate ways to continue shopping. My eyes welled up I have changed my natural reaction was no longer the same.

Who have I become without even knowing it?

 

Unseen Love

Easter Chocolates and Tee Shirts

 

 

 

Seriously, I doubt next year Gabriel will have chocolates so he might be crying still. Lately, he loves to open and close drawers, he loves to take things out and put things back in the drawers too. So when he found the chocolates he tried to put them in his mouth like he does everything he finds only to be told, "Not for Gabriel..." and he started to cry, because isn't everything for Baby?

The day before France had the lockdown Chelsea and Martin were in Marseille for some business and were planning to return to Paris the next day. Needless to say, they had very few personal belongings with them. Imagine the ever-growing baby and the variety of clothes they use. With the lockdown in place, the French can only go to the nearest grocery store. Martin's mother is the designated shopper so when she goes to the grocery store whatever they might have for a baby in need is bought. Too big baby shoes, wildly colorful bibs, mixed match colors or designs... as Chelsea laughingly says, "Not often the clothes I would have had in mind... and sadly the clothes back in our apartment he will never wear as he has grown. His Easter outfit ... and our clothes... remain hanging in Paris."

But at least he has clothes and warmer weather is coming. Clothes are the least of our problems.

Though lack of chocolates...

 

The Luxury of Being Safe

 

My mother sat at her front door when my brother Mark and his family came over to wish us a Happy Easter. They brought mom flowers and succulents. It is an odd Easter for many of us. My mom usually makes Easter lunch for the entire family and has games lined up... this year it is just three of us: My mom, Sacha and myself. I imagine for you and yours it is similar, a different feel, somber, with thankful rejoicing and prayers of hope.

and tears.

 

 

 

Chelsea sent me some videos and photos of Gabriel's first Easter. Yann was able to join them for lunch. 

 

 

 

Yann took out some Easter decor for our home. The bunny was his when he was a baby.

There were no more chocolate eggs at the bakery, so he bought a chocolate bunny at the shop.

 

 

 

First Easter. Did any of us imagine it to be like this?

When I start to feel sad I pull myself up with...

You have the luxury of being safe, of knowing your family is safe.

And that puts me on track within seconds.

We all have a price to pay in this moment of history unfortunately some pay a much higher price.

 

 

 

 

Yann took a photo of the first rose in the garden.

He made me so happy by thinking to send a photo of one!

 

_____

 

Happy Easter!

May we too rise against the odds,

have faith to face the unknown,

and follow love no matter the cost. 

I am holding on to those I love and those of you who have blessed me throughout the years.

May you be safe, may you be well and may you be happy. 

The Light in the Darkness

 

An angel drops flowers like rain from heaven. The background of tangled tree branches beginning to bloom speaking of rebirth a symbol of life continuing.

 

 

 

A rusty window frame holds fragments of tinted glass. Light pours through though unable to share any memories.

 

 

Layers of time past and present

the broken stained glass renders Mary holding a faceless Jesus.

Light illuminates a cloak of blue covering those who walk by.

 

 

 

This tomb made me gasp. The blue eyes of a child, the ruby lips, the iron door delicately designed with flowers. The sorrow of death and the hope of an afterlife.

 

 

 

Fragmented stone statues, engraved words, iron gates that are unlocked

names of people of the past and bouquets of flowers with fragrant dried petals.

Messages of life and death, are within the walls that surround it.

 

 

 

A larger than life stone statue sits with her eyes closed, her arms are broken...her lips partly open as if she might utter a word. Stories vanished in the earth.

 

"If you can't find light in the darkness be the light in the darkness"

@bravegirlsclub.com

 

 

Crown of Thorns

 

Love at a Distance

Exactly This

A View of the Full Moon while Quarantined by Sacha

Speechless

 

 

Catching light

reflecting fire

flames burn

crystal clear

you rendered me speechless,

causing my heart to sing.

The Many Hands that Bring and have Brought Our Days

 

 

"A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life are based on the labors of other men, living and dead and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving."

Albert Einstein

 

 

 

 

 

Transformation

Peace Found in the Storm

 

The sea reminds me of prayer. 

No words needed. 

Ebb and flow of thoughts, pouring out, disappearing in the sand as the tide flows over it.

Steady strong softness unwinding and gathering.

Moving with the tide, letting go, letting be-

Seashells toss and turn becoming sand.

Moving with the tide, buoyant letting go, letting be

Diving deep and surfacing.

 

would you recognize me?

 

If I allow myself to feel

Leaves will fall from the trees

the wind would brush them from the ground

out of reach for me to catch, too far from my sight to see

the river would swell  

loosen the rocky soil

Uprooted I would fall in and glide to the sea

Sea salt tears 

tangled white wave hair

Burnt skin I would wash ashore

Amongst the sea glass would you recognize me?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Smiling in His Dreams

Update: My Brother Marty

 

"Faith is unseen but felt

Faith is strength when we feel we have none

faith is hope when all seems lost."

Catherine Pulsifer

 

...

 

My brother Marty who has had a rugged journey with stage four pancreatic cancer that metastasized to his liver, who in the last two months endured four rounds of Chemotherapy Folfox (with more to follow), a stroke, a blood infection which turned sepsis, a stint that dislodged and pancreatitis...

Having cancer is not only a physical upheaval it also rattles the spirit and plays games in one's head. Having cancer takes every ounce of courage and grace to keep one's head above water. 

Finally, my brother had encouraging news his tumors are shrinking. 

Thank you for your prayers said

and please keep them coming as his journey continues. 

We are grateful for all the love and support we have been given xxx

Going White

 

Whew, I am glad I started to let my hair go white back in August I feel I had a head start.

One less thing I do not need to think about.

 

Artwork found on Facebook