Amaro Family Portrait

   

There is a first time for everything.... and a second time for most things. Each day the face of this new journey (my family is on) makes itself known. Popping up in the most familiar places starring nakedly while a wave of emotion rolls over us...

My Mother opens the closet that she has opened many times before, but this time around my father's clothes seem awkwardly different. The mail comes in with my father's name on it front and center knocking my mother off her feet. My brother looks up a name on his cell phone and my father's name appears... he wonders if he should erase it but he cannot and becomes sad thinking about it. I hear a Harley running down the road, I look up and tears roll down. My mother folds clothes finding a pair of my father's socks and sobs into them....

                                                                   

There is a second time for the familiar things in our lives to come back and address us anew. We stare, catch our breath, and hold on with the knowledge that many others are and have walked this way before.

As a friend of my mother said, "When those "first times come around" and they will for a long time to come, whatever you feel let it be without holding back. If you want to cry, cry. If you are angry, be angry. Whatever feeling overtakes you, let it be."

                                                                                                

Do you think by allowing our feelings to take place safely we welcome the slow change to our broken hearts and not succumb to blurry numbness? Though I must admit sometimes that numbness seems like a welcoming path.

                   The first steps of this well worn path yet newly discovered.... I think I'll hold on to those of you who have walked this way before.

Comments

[Paula]

Oh Corey ~ I can't imagine what your pain is like but I can remember what my pain felt like after my child died. My heart aches for what you must be going through right now. Some days are agony. What I did learn from my process is that your emotions are justified. You are not crazy. And the only way is, "through it".

It is so hard being here in New Mexico and knowing that I'm just a hop skip and jump away from you, if only I had the resources to make it happen. On the other side, I wish you could be here and we'd drive up to Glorieta and walk arm in arm, we'd talk and have a cry and look out to the sunset horizon and know that love is everywhere. Maybe we can meet there in our dreams???

[Colette]

Nota bene to your brother: It's okay. My aunt, the last of my family, died three years ago, and her number is still on my phone. I will leave it there until it feels right to delete it.

[Colette]

The numbness inevitably gives in to the feelings, and I believe you must give in to the feelings to get through them, however painful. Crying, sobbing, weeping is tremendously cathartic too. Grief must be expressed, otherwise the body will suffer.
Tight hugs to you.
xoxo

[Miss Sandy]

Corey,
Part of an old Broadway lyric comes to mind, "We're walkin' side by side!" I am currently filtering through the same process upon the loss of my grandmother, yet differently as the relationship was different. I am learning much from your journey, all I can do is to offer you support during yours. Still praying.

[laura]

Sorry...forgot that i wanted to share this:

Someone once told my mother about grief...that it is like the waves in the ocean. Those waves knock you over and every memory hurts and causes tears and grieving. Then that raw hurt recedes a bit (as the tide goes out) and it doesn't hurt as much and maybe even for a time all is sweetness and life gets 'back to normal.' And then more waves come and knock you over and you feel like you are drowning in the grief again, but don't dispair, the waves will go back out...

And in a year or more if the waves come again full force and you grieve as you are now, don't fight it -let yourself weep and know that the waves won't stay on shore forever, the tide WILL recede once again.

love
laura

[laura]

Your mother's friend was so right. Even though the numbness is easier, it's not always the best way in the end. In time, the socks, mail, harley's and other memories will hold less pain and more sweet rememberances..but not yet.

Still praying for you all and sending many, many hugs and shared tears.
laura

[Barbara]

Yes, it is so difficult to have all these moments. That first Christmas was very hard. Many tears there. I never did take the phone number out of my phone. Could not bear to do that, so I just left it till I got a new phone. The number for my Dad's nursing home is still on my desk at work, and it has been almost 4 years. Sending hugs and prayers to you and your family.

[Debbie]

Corey,
Your mother's friend is a wise woman. I think to feel what we feel is part of healing. To repress it is to hold it.
I can't imagine you as numb for very long. There is just too much life and passion in you!
We continue to hold you in our hearts and prayers.
Debbie

[Star]

Those firsts (and seconds and thirds) are really difficult, emotional times. And whether you give in to the sobs and being caught off guard or sink into the numbness for awhile, it will be right for 'you'. For me, dealing with each emotion as it came seemed the best course as I knew that they must be faced at some point; I'm glad I took that path, but it was 'my' path.

Your biggest assets right now are those who are around you; you have a large and loving family to lean on and support one another. Sharing this time will draw you closer than ever.

Love to all of you as you continue to miss your father in big and small ways. xoxo Star

[Deborah P]

As sharp as the pain is now, I do think you have to experience it to get through it, rather than try to bottle it up inside you. One thing that has helped me, on the loss of a loved one, is talking about them, sharing memories and hearing others' memories. My thoughts and prayers continue to be with all of you.

[Lynda]

Dear Corey, those firsts are so very hard. I hardly remember that raw hurt when every thought hurts so bad that you don't think you can bear it. Eventually that pain doesn't cut quite as deeply and the memories start to bring a smile through the tears. My prayers continue for you and your family ~ both in the US and in France.
xo,
Lynda

[phyllis]

I'm shaking my head up and down...you are describing it the way I felt it. Time heals. It does.

[kim]

Have you read Joan Didion's book, "the year of magical thinking"? It's about the year afer her husband's sudden death and how she got through the grief. I couldn't put it down. It explained a lot to me about what my mother was going through when my dad died.

[Dawn]

Corey, you are precious. Your words are like water, flowing down a stream ~ simple but beautiful and so meaningful. Even in your time of mourning, you touch so many with them. I pray for healing and love to surround you and your family. To cry and hug and help one another. Much love & hugs, Dawn

[berriehead]

Those firsts are very painful in the beginning..I know this to be true:( I also know that in the future those very same reminders that your pa once walked beside you in the flesh will be a source of great comfort this I promise you. Hang in there sweetie pie.xo

[Shannon]

I couldn't agree with your mother's friend more. Very wise and true words about grieving.

It's the permanence of loved ones being gone that is so difficult to come to terms with. Like with your brother not being able to delete your dad's name from his cell phone.

I looked at your family portraits up close. I can see where you get your lips and I saw your nephew in the little boy in the very top picture. Amazing what is handed down through the generations.....

[Miss Maddie's]

Amidst all the tears and sadness there are feelings of joy and fulfillment.They are there lingering, patiently waiting for the sorrow to abate.
The overwhelming depth of darkness will soon give way to light and fond memories of a lifetime shared with your Father and family together will bring sweetness.
As you travel through this time of mourning remember you do not walk it's weary path alone, your Father will guide you as he takes you by the hand and surrounds you in love.
xo Susan

[anna]

Oh, yes --- those "firsts" experienced as a painful constriction of the heart each time...how well I know. In time, they become part of our tapestry of memory and no longer as painful, more often even joyful. Peace to you, dear friend.

[angela marie]

We are holding your hand Corey... we are here.

It is important to embrace your feelings as they come. To feel what you are feeling and then let them go back out like the waves of the ocean. It is not good to have the water sitting still and become stagnant. It will help you through this process. It takes time... be gentle with yourself. My daddy has been gone for five years now and I am still experiencing the steps of grief. They are not as raw though.

(((Hugging you sweetie)))

[Regina Clare Jane]

I lost daddy a little over a year and a half ago... he died in September (a week after my b-day and on my husband's b-day), his birthday was in November- as was my mother's, then Thanksgiving and then Christmas, the New Year (the first without him), their anniversary- that's a really hard one (on Valentine's Day yet) and of course, Father's Day...
I was numb on all those firsts... I've had to go through some second's now and they were the hardest. Like now the reality has set in... he's not coming back. It's definite- and that blew me away.
All this to say, who knows how one will feel from one day to the next with the loss of a loved one... I have some good days now but some still pretty rotten ones on the whole. There is not a day that goes by...
But there are those times when the pain of losing him is overshadowed by the joy of knowing him and having him for my father all those years... and that helps.
Lots of love to you and your mummy, dear Cora... and I am so sorry...

[Joy]

The 'firsts' - I had forgotten about those. How painful they can be. This is where grieving turns into work. My prayers continue to be with you and yours...

xoxo
Joy

[Jeanne]

Grief as most of us know never truly leaves us
we miss our loved ones for the rest of our lives and some say time heals all wounds
but for a sensitive soul like me sometimes I wonder. I take loss very very very hard as does everyone.

Take baby steps and treasure all those that share their kindness and their love.........
Those who live forever in our hearts are never far away.
I love you
Jeanne

[cat]

Corey, your beautiful thoughts bring tears to my eyes. The journey we all must walk,when we lose a loved one is,just that, a journey. From day to day and minute to minute the journey changes,just when you think you know your direction the path changes, just when you think you can't walk you fly. I don't know that this makes sense, quite possibly it doesn't. When we suffer a lose, such as you have, there are no maps just roads to walk down. For me, the journey is 12 years old and the movies of my mom and dad, thankfully, still run in my head. Thankfully, I had spent a lot of time with them, and memorized most of there physical features. They visit me now often. I cherish those moments and all of my memories.
My journey has been long and difficult, but one I had to travel because I have experienced the most generous and wonderful gift,the gift of a lifetime, love.... blessings to you and your family. Your writings help us all ....

[darla7]

Hold on Corey, we're here. Those of us who have been through this are somehow stronger for it and of course understand what your and your family is going through.

Darla

[Sally]

Good Morning Corey:

I have read every word of your journey but never wrote to you, until today.

I believe what your mother's friend has told you is good advice. THEN one day, out of nowhere, you will smile when these memories attack you.

My oldest sister died in 1989, she was 49 years old and I was absolutely sure my world was coming to an end. She was my hero, I wanted to be just like her. I dreaded "those days". The birthday, Christmas, the first snowfall. All the things she loved. The dreading was the worst part, I began to realize that the "day" was just.....the day. The first birthday after her passing I celebrated it. There were tears and laughter and lots of memories.

I pray your family will heal in their time. Keep well my friend. Hold tight.

Regards,

Sally

[mary]

You hang on to those of us - me included who have walked this path before you as hard as you want!

[Catherine]

After my Grandfather died, my Grandma went on talking about (and sometimes to) him as if he was still there. At first the family thought it was weird, but now both Grandparents are gone - Mum and I still talk about them as if they are with us - which they are. It was the most enormous help and relieved the guilt I felt that I had brought up memories that no one wanted to remember.

Now it is with great delight that my mother and I tell my children about Pa and Grandma and we are hopefully passing on their values - of family first, last and always - to my children in the telling of their lives.

Truly our loved ones are never "gone" they are just waiting for us to "join" them. The "first" times are the hardest - but celebrate the memories those first times bring - for it is those memories that keep our loved ones real and present in our lives.

As always, with much love and prayers for you and your family.
Catherine

[bea]

quelles belles photos de famille chère Corey,je vous embrasse, passez une belle journée chaude et ensoleillée.amitiés.béa

[Kit]

In a way I envy you your tears - our family have been Oh so together and practical and I haven't yet shed any, though sometimes they get as far as my eyes.

One thing that I took several months to change was my parents e-mail address, which always came up showing my father's name ... now it's got my mother's name on, but the awareness of its previous incarnation is still there, every time I send an e-mail.

Lots of love to you and your family as always.

[Alison Gibbs]

Corey your family needs to do what feels right for them. People grieve in different ways. One step at a time doing what comes naturally.
Take care
Alison

[Julie Ann]

Oh yes Corey, hold on to that. All very raw right now and for some time to come. After 2.5 years I still cannot change "M&D" on my mobile phone to "D". Just can't! The big milestones in year 1 are very hard also, your Daddy's birthday, Wedding Anniversary, Fathers Day. The strength and love of family will help you tread the path but your mother's friend is right, go with your emotion. I am an only child, and I bottled up my grief around my father, as I was afraid of further upsetting him, but I was able to let it out with my husband thankfully and that was essential. The pain of your loss will be with you always I am afraid, but, albeit a cliche, one does learn to live around it for most of the time. It can still hit you out of the blue though, I often shed a tear seeing a mum & grown up daughter arm in arm shopping sharing a private joke. I miss that so. A friend of mine lost his mother 10 years ago and found himself in floods of tears at the airport at Christmas returning from a business trip. He was watching a lady buy gifts for her grandchildren. His family had little when he and his siblings were small but his Mum always made sure the kids had plenty at Christmas. It took him right back with a wave of love and loss for his mother. I lost my Mother in the October and delayed buying Christmas gifts until one or two days before Christmas, I just couldnt face it. In the end I walked around London sobbing for the entire day ! It is and always will be poignant but as I say you will learn to live around it. Peace and love Corey, Jx