Amaro Family Portrait

   

There is a first time for everything.... and a second time for most things. Each day the face of this new journey (my family is on) makes itself known. Popping up in the most familiar places starring nakedly while a wave of emotion rolls over us...

My Mother opens the closet that she has opened many times before, but this time around my father's clothes seem awkwardly different. The mail comes in with my father's name on it front and center knocking my mother off her feet. My brother looks up a name on his cell phone and my father's name appears... he wonders if he should erase it but he cannot and becomes sad thinking about it. I hear a Harley running down the road, I look up and tears roll down. My mother folds clothes finding a pair of my father's socks and sobs into them....

                                                                   

There is a second time for the familiar things in our lives to come back and address us anew. We stare, catch our breath, and hold on with the knowledge that many others are and have walked this way before.

As a friend of my mother said, "When those "first times come around" and they will for a long time to come, whatever you feel let it be without holding back. If you want to cry, cry. If you are angry, be angry. Whatever feeling overtakes you, let it be."

                                                                                                

Do you think by allowing our feelings to take place safely we welcome the slow change to our broken hearts and not succumb to blurry numbness? Though I must admit sometimes that numbness seems like a welcoming path.

                   The first steps of this well worn path yet newly discovered.... I think I'll hold on to those of you who have walked this way before.

Comments

[Lisa U]

Corey,
I have not been able to stop thinking about you or your family and the journey you went through. I have taken so much from this journey that I continue to learn and develop from it. The late night talks, hugs and tears. There is so much love and compassion in your family it makes my heart melt. I want you to know how much I have taken from the journey as well, and will continue to apply it to my life daily. My heart goes out to you and your family! With love, Lisa RN.

[kelly snelling]

as hard as all this is, corey (and God knows it is difficult beyond words) i can't commend you enough for the process you are creating for dealing with it all. there isn't a book to teach you to handle death. and you are, in your own beautiful way, creating such a book. when i think back to the tragic sad times, the thoughts are very blurry, the pain is still crisp around the edges, but the images are not clear. by keeping these times written i think they will ease you through the transitions somewhat (i hope, i hope). i think that you will be able to see it all more clearly in retrospect. and from that you will bear it all wisely and be able to help so many other people who have to walk this slow sad journey, too.

[JP/deb]

Do you think by allowing our feelings to take place safely we welcome the slow change to our broken hearts ....

Yes, I do. Feelings need to be felt. They need to have a place to go, because if they don't they will fester in place and create energy that is harmful to us.

Sending you peace & love, xx, JP/deb

[Tracie]

Hi Corey,
I read this and kept thinking - will it sound hard? And my eye rested on someone else's comment that set me free (even after all these years)... It will happen over and over - the first's - that comment was correct and true - why shouldn't I be honest? To spare you pain? To spare you truth? No.

I remember when my Dad was first "gone" I was driving home from my silly Silicon Valley job, sitting in traffic for over an hour, during this commute - I saw an arm (yes, an arm) - could it be my Dad? The elbow and back of the arm looked like my Dad's - wasn't the same car, wasn't his same route, but maybe it was him... I so wanted it to be after spending weeks in the hospital.

It is true, let yourself feel however you want for however you want to feel it - it's silly to ask anyone else, but your own heart.

I so wish you peace when it's time for you. It's not up to anyone but what's comfortable between you and your Dad.

~Tracie

[Donna O.]

Dear Corey...those "firsts" will always be there. But somehow, for me, after losing my dad, these days they do bring a smile at times instead of a broken heart. But there are times that the ache is unbelievable, still.I feel for all of you. Tell your brother that after three years, I still have my dad listed on my phone. And when I inadvertantly see his name from time to time, I think he's right there with me.I love that.
D.

[qualcosa di bello]

these things were the hardest for me with my parents' passing...our dear friend who was also our funeral director told me to 'lean into my grief'...undoubtedly the best thing i was told in those hard days. it takes the mind some time to get used to this new reality...lots of prayers are offered for you with much love

[Kristen R]

Corey I wish you peace in your memories of your dear Father may you be comforted by your family and the knowledge that so many are thinking and praying for you.
XOX
Kristen

[stephanie s]

corey, it has been 30 years since my dad passed away. he was always a huge presence when he was alive and has continued to be since - i believe it will be the same for you and your father. obviously, big shoes that can never be filled, but even better he has left a legacy greater than himself in you and your brothers. life does get easier, but it never will be the same - it shouldn't be. and... i still think my mother receives the odd mail sent in my father's name... it becomes kind of sweet somehow.

[nancy]

Hi Corey,
You and your family are so much in my thoughts. You know sometimes the only way to get through the day is to be numb. The numbness passes into anger and complete sadness, but after a while you remember the healthy person and even the things that they did that aggrivated you! My Dad's plaid house slippers, my Sister's Frank Sinatra Cd's, the little things that made me think of them. You know, after 12 years I still miss my Dad and my Sister has been gone 7 years, I still think of them every day and it took a while to be able to think of them without crying.
Nancy

[Mary]

Sometimes during the past 5 years I have cried into my mother's soft cream cotton gloves. I have kept them along with her silver thimble and wedding ring. These three things, along with a photo of her with a radiant smile, keep her close whenever I need to feel her. Keep small tokens of your father, along with a favorite photo, perhaps your mother can do the same, and dispose of the rest. Grieve for as long as you need............until that day comes when you can laugh joyfully about the things he said and did, and talk about how loved he was and the love he shared with all the Amaro family.

Wishing you happy days again dear Corey.

[Eunice Oakley]

Corey,
To go with whatever emotion happens at a given time is the best advice you could have been given. The heart heals when it is allowed to feel. If the feelings are played down, it takes longer. There will be 'firsts' for a time, and they will be sad and painful. But, after a time, they are no longer firsts, and then they can be dealt with. There is no hurry, so just take the time you need to heal. And that goes for all the rest of your family, as well.

[deirdre]

The firsts are so hard, so painful. The little reminders are the things that still knock me off my feet.

You are all in my thoughts every day.

[maria]

Dear Corey,
Your words heal yourself and others all at once. You are so wise. Let yourself heal and feel whatever gets you through.
When my dad died in 1990 after a long illness
I was glad to have the rawness of the event over. But then I remember waiting for things to "normalize" and of course they never quite do in the same way. But very slowly the gapping whole in my life got filled: children, babies, events, new happy times. And the best part of my dad was left--the happy memories and the legacy of his family.

[Dee]

Oh Corey… I have tried for the past three days to write…but was unable to find the words. I feel your sorrow…having lost my first husband a few years back and then my dad just two years ago…and wish I can take it from you. But…no one can take the pain away from you…we can only be here to support and pray for you and your family.

Life will go on…but forever changed. The pain you feel will ebb and flow like the tide. Take time to feel the sorrow…in doing so you will heal and daily life will become easier.

We are here for you…it’s a blessing to be a part of your life.

Blessings on each of your family members…you will remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Dee

[Joanie]

II remember the first time that I went to call my Dad from my cell phone and realized that I never would hear his voice again. Reading your words brought back that memory in clear relief and the pain came back to me sharp as a piece of broken glass.
I won't tell you the pain goes away, it doesn't. It changes though, from sharp to a dull ache and you will always be aware that it's there with you. So, what I've done in the 12 years that I've been without my Mom and the 3 years without my Dad has been to embrace the pain. I've made friends with it and it reminds me that I am different now that I am an orphan. The pain has made me both strong and weak and has taught me to embrace the moment and LIVE. It will seen to you that you could not possibly live again but the memories will encourage you as you find your Dad in everyday things and be comforted. Mark my words, I know that to be true.
I will continue to pray for you and your family as you make your way on this path.

[Marva Plummer-Bruno]

Corey - believe it or not, time will heal your wounds. One of the comments made before was about grandchilren - I've often wished my dad was around to see my kids, he would have gotten such a kick out of them.... There will be a lot of things you wish your dad was there for, and you will realize, he is there. Always, even though you cannot see him. Marva

[Sheila]

Reading the comments made before mine, I can identify with most of them, and with time, so will you.
The hardest part for me was the birth of my grandchildren, knowing my mother would never see them or hold them.
You will discover feelings and thoughts and emotions, you were unaware you had.
There will be times when you need advice and you will send a whispered prayer to your Dad, and ask him to guide you.
Life will go on,but it will never be the same.
xx

[Jan Vercammen]

That a girl! Let it come - the shocks, surprises, and numbness. Soon after my husband had passed away, I got a call from his brother Mike, whose first words out of his mouth were, "I called yesterday and was shocked to hear Jim's voice on the answering machine. Better change that." The little things get to you, and yes, we tend to hold onto every little shred of our loved one's presence that still exists. Take care. I'll be thinking of you. -- Jan V.

[Liz Ness]

To quote one of my son's favorite children's books, "We can't go over it. We can't go under it. Oh, no! We must go through it."

Feeling those emotions (even the desire to be numb) mends our heart so that the pain of our loss becomes tolerable some day. From here to tolerable...that's the "through it." HUGS, peace, and prayers to you as you make your way.

[pottermom]

Feel every moment because by feeling it you relive the best parts. And as one said, it will be felt at some time, why not now when you have support. I know though that those times don't just fade and go away quickly. My mother has been gone 27 years and my father almost 4 years and there are still days I think, "wow, I need to tell mom (or dad) that".... and realize I can't. The fresh pain is gone, the empty spot though is never gone. It is just filled with more and more memories that become more precious with time. Those times of remembering now are always greeted with smiles. The tears turn to joy and laughter as the best is always there.

[susanna]

Good advice. When my father died, Corey, I kept it all inside but of course it HAD TO come out one way or another. I distinctly remember throwing a McDonald's quarter pounder with cheese in anger. It wouldn't have been so bad except I was sitting INSIDE my mom's car at the time. I remember that quarter pounder slooooowly making it's way down the inside of the front window. I can laugh NOW! :) Yes, just go with whatever emotions you are feeling at the moment. One piece of advice, too...don't let anyone make you feel that you should grieve in a certain way. And if your mom wants to hang on to your dad's socks for the next twenty years, she should!

[Claudia]

Live your life to the fullest. There's no use trying to fight off emotions, be it good ones or bad ones, just because other people (or even ourselves) might think them unconvenient.
Why deny what you feel inside?
It's you, it's your life, and whatever you feel is okay.
"Numbness seems like a welcoming path."
Yes, sometimes it seems so. It might be easier, for the time being. It might even be necessary, for a limited span of time. But, looking back on my past few years, I wasted a lot of my lifetime by trying to tilt at windmills, trying to stun myself instead of letting the feelings roll over and through me. It's not life anymore.
Therefore, I say, embrace any feeling. To allow for pain is a part of the healing process, because if you don't experience this, you may as well not be able to experience joy. And you shall be happy again! Your father will live on in your hearts, always.

[Jeannie]

Do not go down the path of numbness, as it will numb you to other emotions. I went down that path and 20 years later the loss hit me - knocked me off my feet. Suddenly, I realized that I had not felt anything for a long time and once I let go and felt the pain I was also able to feel love, joy, and gratitude. It is so hard to face into the pain, but you have us here to help you. Wishing you and your serenity and love.

[tinker]

Corey, I came back worrying, that my earlier words might sound as though I wouldn't be here for you - I will still be here by your side, and so many other friends will - what I was trying to say, is that though we can suggest paths that had been healing for us - only the person going through the pain, right then, can choose what feels most healing for them...
Just as there are many ways of falling in love, there are many ways of mending broken hearts - the best glue to use, depends on the heart that is being mended...Wishing healing~
xoxo

[Julie Ann]

Corey, I just checked back in at the end of the day. The comments are so very moving today, I hope they give you valuable insight and comfort from those that have walked this way. They do me. Since your previous post I have thought a lot about loved ones returning in a dream. 2.5 years later and that hasn't happened yet for me. My Aunt and father have seen my mother but not me. Hope and pray I get my turn. Peace & luv, Jx

[Betty @ She's Sew Pretty]

So many wonderful, precious words of advice from friends. I'll just say that I'm thinking about you and sending warm, healing thoughts your way. Bless you and your family Corey.

[kenju]

So poignant. I think it's a good idea to take those feelings and run with them - or let them wash over you. Bottling them up is never a good idea.

[tinker]

We each have to find our way that helps us most through such times - for some of us it is remembering to keep traditions, celebrating things that person would have done, if they were still here, even the little things - for others, it might be breaking away from tradition and doing things in ways that we never would have done if that person were still here...
I kept my mother's purse, exactly as she had it - it helped me feel as though she had just gone into the next room for a little while (and in a way, she has...) But I also remember seeing a wonderful elderly lady on TV, who had visited over a 100 countries - she hadn't started traveling though, till she was over 70, and had lost her husband. Because suddenly she couldn't bear to be at home, where everything reminded her of him and her loss, she went on her first cruise, just to get away - she didn't forget him, it just helped her to think that SHE was the one who had gone away for awhile, and of all the stories she would have to tell him when she got back - one journey led to another, till 10 years later, she'd traveled around the world. That was the way that helped her...she will definitely have many stories to tell him some day.
We each have to find what helps us most through such times...My heart goes out to you and your mom, your family - as you find your way through these first times. ((Hugs)) and blessings to you and yours, Corey.

[Alina]

Those of us who have walked this way are holding on to you as well.

[tut-tut]

These are the most difficult times indeed. I wanted to keep my mother's voice on her answering machine, but for my sister, it was just too sad . . . I wish we had.

[Elizabeth]

(((((((dear Corey)))))))), you convey so very well the emotions and adjustments you all are going through right now. One thing I have done when some of my loved ones have gone on ahead, is to keep one garment of theirs that smelled like them...to bury my face in from time to time. Strangely comforting, to me anyway. I learned that when my hubby was in submarine Navy years ago...I kept one garment I did not wash till he was safely on shore again. I hope you will find something simple that also will be of comfort to you in the days, weeks, and months to come.

[Valerie]

Corey, you and your mother have gone through a heartwrenching three months and will take time but eventually you will find it easier to think of him and smile. If you and your mother sit in the sunshine and talk about all the good times you shared with your dad, and yes, wander around the shops and go to cafes, life will seem a little easier.

[kay]

When I lost my dad a friend who had been through it told me "you will always miss him but it will get where it doesn't hurt" It seemed hard to believe at the time but was true. As for my mom...I couldn't imagine how bad she was hurting but time does help. It's so good you are able to stay with her for a while.

[Tammy]

Hang on to us Corey...we are here for you. Praying and lifting you up.

blessings and love

[stljoie]

Yes, grief comes in waves...when my father died my mother commented that it's like God only lets in what you can bear..a little at a time.

[clarice]

No words of wisdom, just a (((Hug))) Love Clarice

[caty]

I don't know dear Corey.....maybe just feeling that there is a continuity and not a cut is a way.

[Jeni]

"There is no grief like the grief that does not speak."
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

After a long painful journey I realized that I had to let go of my "be strong" self that I had developed over the months of my Dads illness. I am the child that lives close and I learned to put on a mask of strength. Hope covering fear, and then numbness. I soon learned that I had to let the waves of emotion wash over me lest I drown under the grief. It is a cycle of emotions that is like the eb and flow of the tide. Memories washing up bring both joy and sadness and soon rush out to sea again, leaving behind broken shells. It has been a year now since Dad died and the ripples the tidal pool are a little softer. I still get a lump in my throat when I see Dad's truck in his garage. The garden lays barren without his hands to sow the seed. My Mom is healing a little every day. She bought flowers for the flower beds that dad always planted. She plants the flowers for him. Your Mom will plant flowers in her beautiful garden again in time.
For now hold each other tight, let the tears flow, and the laughter will ring out again. I'm happy for you that you will have Sacha with you soon. He will be a bright spot for all of you.

[Toni]

Dear Corey and Dolores, You have been on my mind and in my prayers daily. When my husband's mother was taken from us so violently 17 years ago, we couldn't even leave the house to go to the grocery store. Our pain was so much a part of our physical appearence that we couldn't manage being in public, I don't remember how long that lasted but I do know that all of the first's of that year were so difficult, and continued to be for years to come. Her family fell apart with-out her...they had no faith...that won't happen with the Amaro Family, there is so much love and faith in your family that it will bring together and hold you all together because of your father's love for all of you and life itself. Blessings to you..Love Toni

[beachy]

Sweet Corey, my grandmother was a widow for nearly 30 years. Even though she has now gone on to join her beloved, I still remember her strength. The length of years since my grandfather's passing still allowed for tears on my grandmother's part, but it was the love of her large family (many children of her own, and oodles upon oodles of cousins, grandchildren and great grandchildren) which kept my grandfather's presence continue to be felt. Now that my grandmother has also gone on, I still strongly feel her presence (especially when I have a problem in life I would have gone to her about), and I always immediately have the answers to my problems! Your father is still with you all - you'll often feel his spiritual presence at times you least expect, but at times you need it most!

[Cheryl in California]

Dear Corey,
In my experience, grief does indeed come in waves. Here's a gentle warning...when the waves feel as if they've subsided to a gentle lapping, don't be suprised when a rogue wave rises up and threatens to swallow you. If you take the advice everyone has so lovingly posted, and just FEEL it, you can survive it. Once again, don't let anyone tell you how, or how long, to grieve. With a full heart, I pray for you and your family.

[Janet]

My father-in-law passed away 6 years ago at 65. The pain does not go away, it becomes slightly more bearable.

Enjoy the precious memories you have. Speak of him often. Laugh and smile when you do.

Hugs to you and yours.

[nicol]

Dear Corey, I have traveled that well-worn path myself twice in these last 2 years and the going does become less steep as the time goes by. Although every so often a new "first"
arises and you'll stumble but soon you'll reach a crest and see the sunrise and horizon in the distance. xoxo N

[Connie W]

I believe the feelings that pour out are part of the grieving and healing process. I also believe in letting them out naturally. Nothing can change what has happened. Life does go on for those left behind. I am confident that God provides his grace moment by moment to meet the need as it arises and His comfort is abundant. I can feel the pain in your words and I wish I could write something to ease it. Not being able to do that, I can point to The Word for encouragement and to find strength in the hours of need. May God hold your family in His arms and keep you near his heart.

[Lorene]

Corey,

I just wanted to say that I agree with what your Mom's friend said. To allow yourself to feel the feelings that you have at that moment. It will take time.

Lorene

[Quinn]

It takes time. I loved the comment about grief washing over you in waves. So true, and it will happen at the strangest times, when you least expect it. Forever. What helped me, and it was hard at first, was to get back into the routine of life. Take your mom out to lunch. Or shopping. Neither of you may want to, but I found it reassuring to see life going on around me. And eventually, I wanted to join in!

Quinn

[martina]

You described things perfectly. The firsts..they hurt so very much. Life is not going to be the same, it moves on and we do our best to cope and adjust. Corey, all of us who have been through what you are going through are here for you. Your insights have actually enriched my life as well.

[pauline]

Your mother is very wise, TICA. Let what washes over you wash over you and let it go. It hurts too much to hold in the tears or deny the anger. Those feelings will change as you allow them, acknowledge them, and let them go.

[Lisa Oceandreamer]

How well I know all of the feelings you are all having. It has been a year and a half and still we pay for a storage place of all my Mom's things. I cannot bring myself to go through it. I cannot bring myself to take her clothes away - things I could hear her saying "that's my favorite outfit". Or smell her scent in the favorite bath powders. It's all packed up in there with my heart. The other day we went to get a table I wanted to use in my studio...I thought I'd do ok just getting that,not disturbing anything else. I broke down.
This will all take time dear Corey and there will be reminders and blank spaces where they were filled before. The thing is I talk about her, I remember stories and I remember her voice and her smile. But there are times when something triggers the void - it's like holding on during a mild earthquake. I keep remembering her telling me "I had a good life". And so did your Father - his legacy is YOU, your children and your brothers and their children and oh what a legacy that is.
I haven't commented much here, it's not for lack of love and caring - sometimes it's a painful reminder. But that's ok, I must learn to soldier on as you will and do.
Your Mom's friend is right, FEEL what you feel - do not hold back. You have many arms to catch you!
With love and hugs,
Lisa

[Rosemary]

Hi Corey,
I think it is the path we all must take sometime. Ups and Downs!
Thinking of you,
Rosemary