The Ride: the ups, the downs and the curve at the end of the road.

             

Where does one begin...

My father asked me, "What should I do? What would you do Corey?"

The words that came from my heart ached my mind causing my back to tighten and my legs to wobble.

A decision was taken based on my words.

Had I known life was like this I would have lived it more wildly somewhere along the line. That is not to say that I regret how I have lived, but more-so to say that I have been silly at times not to have jumped and splashed in the puddle- to take advantage of the life I have been given.

My father in the misery of these 87 days in the hospital has shown me that he holds life strongly, preciously in his hands. His will to live astounds me. I would and have given up in far far less of a stressful situation.

When the decision came to either go back into the ICU for more aggressive treatments (that cannot be done in the DCU the section of the hospital that he is presently resting)... My father was asked what he wanted to do.

                                                               

He turned to me and asked, "What should I do? What would you do Corey?"

I told him what I would do, and he nodded acceptingly. Oh God, how my father's asking and accepting willingly my response has haunted me, and yet made me feel the loving trust my father has placed on me.

Photo: All the photos on my blog since February 3rd have been photos I have had on stock. These were of last summer: The Honda 90 Ride.

Comments

[Alina]

DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

D Thomas

(for Corey's Dad, because she asked)

[Janell]

Sometimes the best thing to say is the hardest. Telling someone at the end of such a difficult time that it's ok to just let go can bring peace to everyone. Your gift of time with your Dad has been the most precious gift you could give him. How wonderful your husband and family in France have been to allow you to give your Dad the gift of yourself.

[Sue McG]

Corey, whatever you said to your father it was THE RIGHT THING, don't doubt that. You spoke with the love of a lifetime, your father knew and trusted that you would, that's why he asked you.

[Dancing Kitchen]

You did right girl...you spoke from your heart. Don't let that haunt you...let it be a solace that you were honest with him.
Holding you in the light,
~Cynthia

[julie]

Still thinking of you today.

[Theo]

What great gifts you are one to another. My thoughts are with you both.

[Lea]

You know Corey... there are no wrong choices... there is only this moment...full of all possibilities... Just thinking of you in this moment... XO

[Betty @ Country Charm]

Corey,
I'm certain without a doubt that the answer you gave your Dad was from a heart full of love.....

You and your family tiptoe across my mind often and I wonder how things are with you...

I know your family in France miss you but understand that you need to be with your Dad and Mom.....God Bless You All....Betty

[Kristy]

You will always be Daddy's girl of course he asked and trusted you.xxx

[Tammy]

Dearest Corey,
I am sure your words spoke the very depth of your heart and soul. You are your father's strength now and you can know that God will guide you every step of the journey and you will not live with regrets. But all that has happened will be a tresured memory.

[stephanie s]

still, and always, thinking of you corey.

love, steph

[Brenda]

How my heart aches for you. Looking into the eyes of you father in the posted pictures shows me what a wonderful man I know he is. I am sure what ever advice you gave him was the best. I am thinking of you daily and hope you and your father can feel my love and support. You are an amazing daughter.

[Betty @ She's Sew Pretty]

Corey,
I hope these days with your father will become a precious memory in your life. My dad was here and gone, a heart attack at age 61. I regret not spending more time with him. Your dad will go in peace knowing how much his family has loved him. Bless you, my friend.

[Sheila]

I have the feeling from reading your blog the past few years that your Dad worked hard, and played hard. He loved to have fun, and did so whenever he could.
Based on that, whatever he decides to do will be right decision, all you really need to do is support him in that.
We should jump in those puddles, but somewhere between childhood and old age we become too serious, and forget how much fun splashing can be..

[julie]

Just checking in this morning to say hello and let you know you're thought of.

[Debbie]

Corey,
We have had a glimse of the wonderful soul you must be prior to the last 87 days. But that your dad came to you in that moment speaks volumes to what we have already believed. You are doing your best, and are a trustworthy person, or your dad would not have asked that of you. Trust yourself, and what God has placed in you.
My tears and prayers are with and for you and your family today.

[Lea]

There is so much life holding all of you... so much love... let yourself rest into that love as you follow your heart... XO

[Rosemary]

I'm sure your words were a comfort for him Corey. You are a strong, smart, wonderful person.
I am here with you everyday!!
Take care,
Rosemary

[laura]

Just hugging you and praying for you all.

And more hugs.

[Laura]

No words...just loving prayers.

[herhimnbryn]

Together you made that decision. He knew he could ask and you knew at the very core of you what you had to say.
PAX.

[the farmers wife]

Oh gosh Corey, I don't think I could have done that. I would have had to ask him to make the decision together.

You're going to have to find a way to be OK with this. Even thinking about it hurts. Be kind to yourself.

- Suzanne, the Farmer's Wife

[nel]

Your dad trusts you because he knows your heart. He knows that it only has love for him.

Take care, love & prayers continue your way Corey.

Nel xo

[Donna]

Corey, Corey, Corey Dear, I love you.
Please give my love to your Father. Thank him for me for his wonderful "joie de vivre" and for his faithful love not only through the past 87 days but through his whole life. Please thank him for gifting me and all of us with YOU! I am so grateful for the opportunity of meeting him and of sharing life with you! Your father already resides in the Heart of God. The Lord has gone before him to prepare the way so that at the perfect right time your father will see Him face to face and "Heart to Heart" The Best is Yet to Come!

When my father made the decision not to do any more chemo he faced death with the same resolve and faith with which he had lived.
The hospice workers came to our home and were absolutely wonderful. They asked my Dad what services he would like. He sent for his diary and read out which priest he wanted to celebrate his funeral, what Scripture Readings and Songs he wanted and who he wanted to sing, who the pall bearers would be etc. There was not a dry eye among my family members. Everyone thought this was premature. It was certainly not the type of "services" that the hospice workers were referring to. They lovinlgy assured the family members that this was important for my Dad to do. Three weeks later my Dad made his transition into Everlasting Life. What a blessed blessed time those three weeks were.

[Catalina]

My father asked me as well. I said what I thought at the moment. Maybe today I would say something else, I don't know...I guess we just do the best we can on the circumstances we are with the self that we are at that moment. To give our opinion in such cases is courageous and helpful, we would appreciated it as well.

A big hug Corey!

[Donna O.]

I was there Corey, giving thoughts to the best man I will EVER know, my Dad. It will playout as it should because the love in your family will see to it. It will see to all of you, through all of you. It really will.
XO
D.

[Elaine L.]

Such a difficult decision for you to make. Your dad loves and trusts you. God Bless You.

~elaine~

[Genevieve]

Dear Corey -

As you turn yet another bend on this road with your father, I am glad you can feel us all hovering around you and your family with our kind thoughts and prayers.

Hover, hover....

Genevieve

[kelly snelling]

there is no book to read, no friend to tell you, no wise woman to instruct what only your heart can build as a bridge within your family at this time. take strength in the love you share. cry when you need to (when i had cancer, i gave myself five minutes in the shower to cry then i knew that i had to stop for my family. it was enough for me). find some small way to replenish yourself physically and spiritually and just keep hanging in as best as you can. that is enough. you are in my prayers. your dad is in my prayers, pulling at God's ear. my heart goes out to you.

[Amylia Grace]

I think Rumi's translated thoughts say it so eloquently,

"This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.

P.S. I remember the moment I whispered in my beloved Grandma Ruth's ear "I love you and it's okay to let go. We're all okay now."

I cried knowing it was the thing to say from my heart and that moments later she passed.

[Dorian Fletcher]

Your papa knows that you speak with love in your heart, Corey. Whatever the outcome may be, your family has such an incredible bond, all will be well. Don't worry about leaving any commentary for those of us that keep you in our thoughts - I am sure you would do the same...you have your family to think of.

[lila]

What an intensely beautiful moment.

[Lori Witzel]

My friend, it's never easy to love, and I am so sorry you're going through these things -- but thank goodness you're going through them with and because of love.

Just know your sharing this is helping others. You knock me flat with awe at how you and your dad bless each other with your love and care for each other, in spite of all sorts of pain.

[beachy]

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." Your love for your dear Father is so pure, Corey, that you couldn't possibly give a "wrong" answer!

Much love and prayers to you, my sweet friend!

[MaryBEth]

Shepard Me Oh God

Beyond my wants

Beyond My Fears

From Death into Life

(the responsorial I sing to the 23 rd Psalm)

over and over as I hold you all in Prayer

xoxo

[Holly]

Corey,

My heart and arms are wrapped around each and everyone of you.

Please give my love to my friend and let her know that she is within my every prayer.

I hold her deep within my heart.

Love,
Holly

[Suzanne Bellerive]

Corey, I wish there was something I could say that would make this easier for you. I know there isn't. I know how painful it is and how important your dad is to you. I think I may also know how much it means to your dad that you are there; when I was in your place, and my mother in a place similar to your dad's, well ...
It is a gift to be so needed, and you will never regret these days.
And remember, when times get hard, that it is change -- not loss. It doesn't feel that way but, to believe it, somehow makes a difference.
All strength to you and yours.

[susanna]

Oh dear, Corey. That's alot of pressure on you. Your father certainly values your opinion. You're in my thoughts.

[Lee]

Oh Corey, those are questions we never want to get, let alone answer. Many thoughts for you all.

[Merisi]

At the first sign of spring, one wants the new leaves and blossom to come forth faster, yet once when everything around us seems to have turned green, all the blossoms opened, we want to stop this mad rush into summer, want spring to lnger longer. The approach of summer and then harvest seems premature.

[AmandaMay]

Those are the questions and times that I dread, the times when the strong father is weak and daughter has to be in charge. My thoughts are with you, Corey, as you so graciously dwell in this upside-down world.

[Jan Hughes]

Corey, not to worry. As long as what you do, and the answer you give, is out of love - and it is - it's the right answer. Your father knows that, otherwise he wouldn't have asked. My mother asked me the same question. I was honored, and horrified. And answered the truth, as she knew I would. We know who loves us, and your father knows. Hard to become one's parent's parent, isn't it? But, it is the most loving thing you can do.

Keep the faith!

Jan

[Papaya]

Corey,
My prayers are with you and your beautiful family at this time.
I know it must seem strange that someone you've never met cares about you and your family but my heart goes out to you just the same.
God Bless you and yours.

[tinker]

I believe when it comes to the really hard questions, answers that come from an honest, loving heart are never wrong...
Sending prayers and many (((hugs))), Corey~XOXO

[Deborah P]

My heart aches for you. What a difficult question to answer. However, you answered it, I have no doubt that it was lovingly and honestly answered.

I don't think you are at this point now, but I have read, so many times, that dying loved ones sometimes hang on for the sake of the family more than a wish to live. To tell them it is okay to go at that point is an act of love, I believe and never anything to feel guilty for. If that time comes for you and your family, I pray that you will know it completely, without any doubt.

At the same time, I hope and pray that your Father's strong will to live is rewarded with his healing and with strength returning so that he can enjoy many more days on this earth.

[Alison Whittington]

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[Jenny Rebecca]

Corey you are so strong. Sending love, hugs and blessings your way. And many prayers.

[Mothers Day Cards]

it is often only at such moments that we remember the life that we share with each other. Rather we should rejoice at every moment cos we never know when we will part from each other.

[Brenda Kula]

What a precious posting. I admire your courage and tenacity during this hard time. And your father sounds like a truly lovely human being.
Brenda

[Kel]

Corey, you are so strong and honest. My heart goes out to you and your family. Oh how you must miss your husband and children!