two steps forward, one step back, two steps to the side

As I witness life with my hands tied behind my back and my heart pounding loudly and echoing off the canyon's wall... I am not afraid but wearing thin.

As I listen to the unanswerable question - why, especially as it runs around poking at the festering wound then hides. It causes me to look around and doubt my choices, my response and myself. I find my energy nearing the breaking point.

Then to hear the insensitive suggestion, "Feed him less." It makes me want to throw up, pulls me to a dark corner where I see death as a gift and then shudder at the avenue. Ah the places one will go to when one is desperate.... for a change.

To know the well meaning response, "If there is anything I can do-" as a token of friendship. Knowing there is plenty to do, but most things seem trivial to ask for compared to the real unsolvable thing at hand. It is the lack of control, the letting go, the nodding of the head, the thank you for asking, and realizing that the next moment is not in our control. Friendship is a damn good offer.

The constant watching, thinking, analyzing, directing, deciding, listening, praying and the lack of sleeping...the constant wave, no tidal wave against the empty shore.

Am I tired... yes.

How do I do it... with these words, "Do unto others as you would want them to do unto you."

Is my father getting better? He is 81, his heart is strong, but he is very weak, and slowly recovering and slipping at the same time. As my brother Mathew has said about dad, "He takes two steps forward, one step back, two steps to the side."

The thinking part of me realizes that my father has lived a good life, has reached old age, and that his time has come... but the feeling part of me aches at what I see...

I lied, I am not tired, I am exhausted- as is my father and my mother. I shouldn't complain but that is how it is and there isn't anything to do but to wake up and face the day with grace and courage.

Comments

[Alison Gibbs]

Corey it is such a difficult time, the sitting, the watching, the waiting. So, so difficult
Alison

[arlene]

I know how you feel, I really do. This past year I had weeks like that...with my son. We almost lost him..with my Dad...we did have to let him go.
There is nothing but Grace to depend on. Our own strength is not enough. I pray you will receive Grace in abundance. Blessings to you now, to your father, and for the future when it is done unto you as you do unto others. None of us are perfect, but with Grace we ARE enough.

[mary ann]

xoxoxoxoxo mary ann

[maria]

Corey, I wrote to you yesterday about my mom being hospitalized for 5 months and finally transferred to a convalescent home a week ago. Well, this morning she took *one step* back. She has developed fever, vomitting and diarrhea. I am waiting for the ambulance to take her to the hospital. It is starting all over again ! Does it ever end ?

Hugs,
Maria

[Morgan]

Corey,
I can't even imagine the mental and physical exhaustion that you and your family are dealing with!! Hang in there! There are many out that praying for you all!

Love you!!
Morgan

[Debi]

Corey - I am constantly in awe of your stregth and always inspired by your wisdom and grace. Sending you virtual ((hugs)) and continuing to pray for your family and especially, your dad.

[Julia]

Dear Corey, when I read your blog I am inspired by your steadfastness, love, and honesty. Anyone in your shoes would be trembling with exhaustion now, but you manage to put one foot in front of the other as you travel such a long, difficult path. I am thinking of you all and I pray that your journey will be blessed with God's light in many, many ways.
Julia

[the farmers wife]

I am so glad to see that you embrace the truth about your family's situations and dwindling energies. Facing these things head on and seeing them in the light of day will help avoid some terrible pitfalls.

Hanging in limbo is the worst place to be. Can your father communicate his wishes? It sounds like he still has a strong will to live and you are respecting that.

There are no simple answers and God has his own timetable. You must take care of yourself, your mother and other family members who are committed to his emotional support. Giving too much will leave you empty, perhaps at the time you're needed most.

Suzanne, the Farmer's Wife

[Betty @ She's Sew Pretty]

Corey,
So many people have given you wonderful advice, so I won't try to. Just know that I am thinking of you and wishing you peace.

[Dee/reddirtramblings]

Aah, Corey. My mom has partially recovered, and you are stuck in the same place. Two steps to the side. Sigh. That is the stuff of life sometimes, isn't it?

You are in my heart, my friend. We all share your burden, your hope.~~Dee

[Betty]

Friend Corey,
How my heart goes out to you and your family. I know with so many comments before mine my words hold no great worth but it does my heart good nevertheless to tell you that you are in my thoughts and prayers along with your Dad and Mom.....In His Love......Betty @ Country Charm

[Lisa-Vet]

Corey, still with you, I know how hard it is for you. Hang in there. My prayers are with you. Big Hug, for your Dad. God Bless You.

[Elaine L.]

I was, also, going to say that life is never long enough for those we love. I don't think we're ever ready to let them go even when we know they've lived a long fruitful life.

There are always more stories and wisdom to share.

~elaine~

[Elaine L.]

How well I remember the "one step forward and two steps backward". Fortunately, my father did get better, however now I have let down my guard. I realize I will have to go through the exhaustion and emotion, again, some day not in the too distant future (my dad is 85).

My father, also, has a strong heart, which is what keeps him going, even though he has kidney failure and prostate cancer.

I think the person going through the illness and their loved ones finally reach a point of total surrender, and then, perhaps the end comes as a blessing. It actually doesn't hurt as much as living with the suffering. You are going through the grief process now. Later, death will seem like a butterfly.

~elaine~

[Lilly]

Corey, I know you are exhausted. I can feel all your feelings in your words. I know what this feels like.
Is there someone who can do two nights in a row for you and let you take a rest?
You will be better able to be with your dad if you get a break.

[corine @ Hidden in France]

I hurt for you Corey, but your words are beautiful.

[collette]

Corey~
You are gracious and courageous.
May God continue to bestow these upon you.
I couldn't think of a better way to remind yourself than with the words, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Words to live by.
Your family is truly blessed to have you with them at their side, as I know you feel the same way about them.
I pray for rest and peace for all of you. Much love and affection.
xo

[Wendi Kelly]

Corey,

I am here every day, praying for you and looking in, sending you strength and good wishes for you and your family.
Some days,I leave with a smile and no comment, and just more prayers, added to the many that you already have flowing to you from around the world.
But today I want to say that it isn't necessary for you to be strong and couragous every day. Like your mother, only a few days ago, the woman who is your rock, you also may retreat for a day or so and regain your strength. Get some rest. During the day, lay around. Pet the cat. Sleep. Do nothing. Better yet, scream to the rooftops if you want to. God will listen and so will we. Even Jesus Himself took refuge to restore his soul so that He might minister to others. He that had more courage and Grace than us all. Taking care of yourself will never diminish all that you are and all that you have become.
I wish you rest and the peace that transcends everything.

You are a gift.

[susanna]

Oh, Corey. I wish I could give you a big hug tonight.

[herhimnbryn]

My Dear One,
Holding out my hand to you, take it, just for a while. Sit. Breath deeply and softly.

[frenchgardenhouse]

Dear Corey,

Still lifting you and your family up to our Father. Nothing we can write here will change how it IS. But know we care, and think of you with love.
xo Lidy

[cat]

Breath in,breath out,sleep when you can,pray when can,cry when you must and mostly ( as you are doing,in such a wonderful selfless way) Love. God Bless you and your family Corey,and may he grant you strength.

[Ariane]

Corey,

Please take care of yourself and tell your mother to do the same. This is an especially draining experience you are going through, and you don't want to make it worse by making yourself sick from lack of sleep, excessive worry/anxiety, etc. Which I know sounds easier than it actually is. But take it one day at time and try to be good to yourself. Many, many hugs are sent your way.

I really can't believe the insensitivity of some people... Sorry you had to experience that.

Please take care of yourself. xo Ariane

[Julie B.]

Corey, In times of darkness I have found that scripture and nature are a healing balm!

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance..." Ecclesiastes 3

My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and your family!

[Liz Ness]

HUGS. I'm so sorry and wish that I could ease your burden. But, you are right...there's not much a friend can do, but offer love, support, and a shoulder (virtual or present) to lean on. We must go it alone for the hardest choices. Still, my heart and prayers go out to you and your family.

[JO]

As I sit and read your stories... I usually have many to catch up on ... I see myself in your shoes. I feel your pain... your exhaustion... your emotions... I lost my mom in 1981 and my dad in 1984... I was not with my mom when she passed ... that broke my heart.... she was young ...only 57.. but she suffered most of her life and was as strong in spirit as anyone I know... I wasnt with my dad when he took sick ... and before he went into a coma... that broke my heart... though I do know he heard me and knew I was with him before he left me too... he was 62

You need rest... that is a must... that is important and that is something you can not take away from yourself.... and while times are difficult for you ... to watch your father hurt so.... cherish each and every single moment you have with him...

He is so lucky to have such a loving.... caring ... daughter such as yourself to sit with him and love him and you are so lucky to have him too..

You are loved ... not just by your family but by people who dont know you personally but through your life ...through your blog..through your stories..

You are beautiful ...

HUGS TO YOU

JO

[Massilianana]

Dear Corey ,
Your words brought tears to my eyes . Led me to break my silence . I wish I could be your neighbour in California , bring you something nice to eat or drink , or a magazine or flowers , offer to help you with the house or the shopping or the cooking or mowing the lawn ( well , maybe not the lawn...)... Just to help you , be with you along with what you are going through with your family and daddy Amaro , without crowding you or taking more of your energy . I can only send you best wishes , friendly admirative thoughts , I think you are an amazing person .
Tudo de bom pra voce e a sua familia ,
Take care .

[Susan]

I have been where you are and these words helped me and my family...

God has not promised skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through;
God has not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow,
Peace without pain.

But God has promised strength for the day,
Rest for the labor, light for the way,
Grace for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

--Annie Johnson Flint

[Liisa]

Hi Corey,
I really think You must be the best of daughters to sit by Your father side every day! I know this will be a treasure for You when it´s over. I know I would like my children to be near when it´s time for me.

Liisa

[pegg]

I feel your pain in my heart. Know that I am praying for your father and your family. For three weeks we traveled an hour to stay all day with my father, then an hour back each night filled with dread. It's an exhausting process. There is no way that you can rest. I know I couldn't sleep and all the time my mind was churning. You are in my thoughts. Please accept my virtual arms around you. Peggy from PA

[Eunice]

I wish I could be there, just to sit with you, to offer you strength and rest in this emotional, exhausting time.
Eunice

[Toni]

Corey and Dolores, in that dark corner you must remember you are surrounded by the Light. We are with you in love and spirit.

[Marie-Noëlle]

You definitely need a rest, Corey.
Your mind is still writing beautiful words that your hands can type...
Your mind is seeing beautiful pictures that your hands can photograph...
Your mind is creating a marvellous blog that your hands can connect to us...
Both your mind and hands are tired and need a pause ... alike your sweet mum's did the other day.
What about watching a good movie?
I bet that you can stop by to watch a good oldie film...

[Brenda Kula]

Beautifully written! I was mesmerized by your words. And to think you're likely not at your (writer's) best at this most trying time! You are certainly in my thoughts. And I shall certainly put you on the list and come back for an update.
Brenda

[Ciretta]

Grace and Courage. As you have been. As you ARE.

Psalm 28;1: Unto thee will I cry, O LORD my rock; be not silent to me....

Psalm 29;11: The LORD will give strength unto his people; the LORD will bless his people with peace.

Psalm 30;5:...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning....

Psalm 31;19: Oh how great is thy goodness, ... which thou hast wrought for them that trust in thee before the sons of men!
20: Thou shalt hide them in the secret of thy presence .... thou shalt keep them secretly in a pavilion from the strife of tongues.
21: Blessed be the LORD: for he hath shewed me his marvellous kindness in a strong city.
22: For I said in my haste, I am cut off from before thine eyes: nevertheless thou heardest the voice of my supplications when I cried unto thee.
23: O love the LORD, all ye his saints: for the LORD preserveth the faithful, and plentifully rewardeth the proud doer.
24: Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.

I have been going through some difficult times also, and a friend suggested I see myself in the pavillion in Psalms... protected. The image has helped me, as I hope it aids you.
Love , Prayers and Understanding,
Ciretta

[Bramble]

Corey- Though I too have walked this path ( for 4 long years) with my Dad, I must tell you there is no emotion you will feel that isn't okay. We too are only human and at times need to be rescued; emotionally, physically and spiritually. Share all your emotions. witholding them will only erupt in some less constructive way later.
Are you able to coordinate home care? My Dad only wanted to go home and when we were able to arrange it safely for him he was finally at peace with all that had happened and thanked me for fighting for him. That was when the world lifted from my shoulders because I knew he understood I had done all I could do. I keep you all in my prayers.

[Denise]

Corey,

I am so sorry, I understand a bit of what it happening with your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers. When I read your entry today this was my thought for you,

"Be still and know that I am God" (Pslam 46:10)

Peace to you and your family.

[Carol]

Dear Corey, I know it sounds very trite, but I do feel your pain having been through a somewhat similar situation during my father's final illness.

I spent two months away from home and then relocated my parents to be on the other side of the country to be with me and my husband. My father went from one hospital bed to another. My mother had dementia and couldn't be left unsupervised.

Seeing you on a similar path keeps you in my thoughts and prayers. There is such beauty in what you are doing, dear Corey, and I know that you know you will never regret these days, but the process is so tiring and sad.

Hugs to you sweet lady.

[Deanna]

Corey, my prayers for all in your family who are suffering pain and exhaustion at this difficult time.

You are such a unique person and have brought joy to so many as we on the web share your art and insights. I have felt so honored to share the story of your life's journey.

I walked this painful path with my mother toward her death. The way was difficult but the end was very comforting and remains so 15 years later. I worry that you may not be receiving all the comfort and help that you need as you take these difficult steps.

As wrenching as this is, you know in your heart that each of your parents will die some day. Let them know of your love and thanks and that you want their deaths to be comfortable and a time of celebration when joining their Father in Heaven.

Skilled hospice workers can help you with these steps. The suggestions to "feed him less" or to send an exhausted family home so that the family and the patient can rest may not be stated well by medical professionals who are themselves in pain.

Do you understand the patient care directive "Do not resuscitate." This step, and others equally difficult are things that Hospice can help you with.

Does your father wish to live more time in his current condition or is he more eager to finally meet God. Is he comfortable that your Mother will be OK when he leaves her? Does he know that all he cares about will be loved and taken care of. Have you all given him permission to do what he wants to do. Does he want to die quietly in a bed in his own home? Does he know that you will be OK Corey?

Please forgive me for my bluntness but I have not read that others have helped you with this. My prayers for you and yours.

Deanna

[Janet]

May God grant you an abundance of grace today and in the days to come.

Thank you for your honesty.

[lauren]

O' that I had wings as a dove has, I would fly away in flight, I would take lodge in the wilderness, I would hasten to a place of escape for me, from the rushing wind, from the tempest. ...evening and morning and noontime I cannot but show concern and I moan--and He hears my voice.
~Psalm 55:6-8

[Karen Bennett]

I have read your blog many times before and never left a comment. Some of the things you wrote about your father reminded me of mine.

I was pregnant with my third child,who is now 18 years old and only daughter when my father passed in my arms. He loved to play with my 2 sons. I know I dearly wished that he could have at least gazed on my little girl before he left this earthly realm.

My father's story is different. He was ill for so much of his life. His very tenacity was an inspiration to many. We didn't know that until his funeral. (When people we never met came to talk to us about him) He battled stomach and bowel disease for many years while working in a steel mill. He then grew weaker with lung disease, then tumors. He never gave up though.

Like you I sat with him many days in hospitals, repeatedly through periods in different stages. During the final few months, his weight got down to 68 pounds. I could actually lift and move him in the bed by myself. But all this is beside the fact that his spirit dominated his body. The doctor's told us he lived at least 20 years beyond what he should have, simply by will, will to live and see his grandchildren, to enjoy simple pleasures. I learned so much from that simple, generous courageous man.

God Bless you Corey and your family as you struggle and cope and accept. I relived so much today, reading the last few journal entries.

[Lisa & Alfie at The Pickled Hutch]

You are exhausted and life is precious. It can be such a struggle to maintain balance between the two at times like this. In the end, it will be his decision. Hang in there sweets!
Lisa & Alfie

[Star]

Oh, friend, I hear how weary you are.

My own father was physically very healthy when Alzheimer's entered his life. It was difficult watching him go from fear at knowing what the future held to no fear, no recognition, no life as he had known it. I went from wanting to ignore it (maybe it would go away) to daily frustration to wishing it could just be over for all our sakes. But, like you, the things that would hasten the journey were not things we could allow. So we continued to care, continued to watch, continued to wait. It is truly an exhausting place to be.

Wishing I could be there to remain awake with you, to hold the hands that feel tied, to lift your burden a bit that you might stretch and breathe without its weight.

[Elizabeth]

Hugs and prayers, Corey, dear.

[Mary Kate]

Dear Corey, I send you all my strength to hang on through this long time. You are in our prayers, Rafa's prayers too. Love, Mary Kate

[Helen Owen]

Well put-my father recently passed away and I know very well how it is. I sat with him for 3 months and every day was a blessing.

Blessings

Helen

[sandig]

Corey

I continue to pray for you and your wonderful family. You have been such an inspiration. We have also been at the hospital...

My grandmother died this morning... she was able to say her goodbyes - she died quietly while she slept - we feel blessed. she was ready to go. I doesn't make it any easier. She is now at peace but we will miss her. She fought hard but the Lord chose to bring her home.

I think of you often and will pray that God continues to give you strength and peace.

Blessings
XO

[Ulla]

HOLDING YOU IN MY ARMS, and thoughts...

[tommie]

Corey- You are the epitome of grace and courage. Daily you are in my thoughts and prayers.