Standing Under Grace

Praying without words, praying in the middle of the night, praying after witnessing death upon death, praying while holding your hand and hearing you cry out, "Help me." 

Praying through fear-

Praying for an easy off button-

Praying as I wipe your mouth, your eyes, and as we wipe your sore bottom-

Praying I wasn't standing here alone with you. Praying thanksgiving that I am standing here alone with you-

Remaining calm when I see nothing short of terror that is in your eyes. Listening when I want to beg- No, no, no!

In the middle of your suffering I find myself walking even though I want to run and hide. In the darkness I feel the breeze pour through the hospital's window like a soothing hand upon my face. While standing by your bed I hear the oxygen bottle and suddenly it becomes a babbling creek.

Typing as my father sleeps after a rough night I glance over at his bed stuffed with pillows - suddenly it becomes a white fluffy cloud.....and I dream of crawling into it, where I can hold him and whisper, "Fly away, fly away, fly away..."

Comments

[cruststation]

Such heartfelt sentiments...stay strong.

[Betty C.]

How devoted you are -- your writing has become even more lovely during this experience. I admire how you can put your emotion into words; big hugs from France.

[susanna]

Oh, Corey. I wish I could give you a big hug and pour you a glass of wine tonight.

[herhimnbryn]

Every word, every touch, every kindness. You open your heart and it all flows over your dear Papa. Let it flow over you to my Dear One.

[Marva Plummer-Bruno]

Corey - this so reminds me of when my dad had cancer and I had the night shift while my mom had the day shift. Still saying prayers for you and your dad and family and knowing what you're going through..... Marva

[My Melange]

Corey,

When my Grandmother was in a nursing home,(my Mom had taken care of her at home for as long as she could)she had Alzheimers disease and did not know my Mom anymore, which was hard for my Mom. One night my Mom told her it was ok to go, ok to leave and patted her hand. She passed peacefully the next day. Even though my Grandmother didn't realize who my Mom was, she probably just needed to hear that it was ok.

I am sure it is a very difficult time for you, but I hope you know we are here for you and I am sending all my love, hugs and prayers your way.

xoxo

[Cat]

There is an awesome Christian song by Chris Rice, this is the final verse:

"And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!"

When it's time your dad will Fly to Jesus.
Bless you for your love and patience and endurance. You must be such a comfort to him.

Hugs, Cat

[melly]

Dearest Corey,

Follow your heart. Make your vision a reality. He will fly as soon as he knows that "those left behind" are ready to accept.....

I send you all my love. May serenity be upon you and your family.

Avé Maria cheia de graça
O Senhor é convosco
Bendita sois vós, entre as mulheres
e Bendito é o fruto do vosso ventre
Jesus

Santa Maria
Mãe de Deus
Rogai por nós pecadores
Agora e na hora da nossa morte
Amen

[Suzanne - The Farmer's Wife]

Corey,
It's such a difficult journey you are on with your father. What you've learned through your writings here is that many, many others have been in your place. It's an experience we share, each with our own perspective but with some many things in common. Everything you are doing is so important for you father....everything. I am sure, even though he can't communicate, that he is amazed at the love, faith and strength shown by his family.

It's odd you should mention the oxygen bottle sounding like a babbling brook. I sat with my stepfather the day before he passed away. I sat with him in the quiet room, whispering news about the grandkids in his ear. Talking so quietly in an attempt to draw his mind away from the pain. He turned to me ever so slightly and said, "It's raining outside, it sound so wonderful." It was only the rustling of the leaves outside his window, but if he wanted it to be soothing rain, so be it.

[Julie Ann]

There will not be many reading this not doing so through tears Corey. Certainly I struggle to find the answers to the questions that we all come to ask at some point. Do you have a vision Corey of the next part of the journey ? I would feel blessed to hear that vision. What you do have beyond a shadow of doubt is true grace and dignity. Lucky Mummy & Daddy Amos and lucky French husband and family. Dearest thoughts and prayers Corey, Jx

[MARYBETH]

((( PRECIOUS cOREY)))

it really is o k to whisper "fly away home"

it is incredibly hard to do; but, often it is just what a soul needs to hear
it is O.K. to let go.
We hold you all in Prayer as we pray for Virgil too

We walk with in every moment of this most sacred transition.
Sending Love to you precious Corey
xo

[sepia art studio]

sending many healing & loving doves in your way...
delila

[Steph]

Many hugs to you and your family Corey.

[JanePoe (aka Deborah)]

Sending peace, love and prayers to you, your father and your family. xx, JP/deb

[Betty @ She's Sew Pretty]

Corey,
I read this to my husband tonight. He works many nights in the I.C.U.. He asked me to print this out so that he can take it to work for the nurses to read. He believes that this was a sermon taken from real life and it has blessed him and he would like to share it and bless other people he works with. Bless you and your family Corey. My heart as always goes out to you my friend.

[Carolyn]

Corey, holding you close.
Bless you
Carolyn

[Tracie]

Corey,
A candle has been lit and a prayer has been said for your father. It is not an easy thing to give a loved one "permission to go" - I know. I pray for you and your family in this difficult time.

My heart is with you and all these feelings that even after years, still sometime make no sense.

God be with you in comfort, Corey.

[marge]

Corey, just know that my prayers and heart are with you and your family.I will say an extra Rosary for your dear father this evening.

[~Kim]

Oh, Corey. This is so hard. I am so sorry for all the pain and sorrow you are experiencing. I pray you will experience the loving comfort of God's presence with you there in that hospital room. He loves you and your father so.

[Julie Loeschke]

Holding you daily in my heart and lifting you all up before Our Father in prayer. You have an amazing ministry here, Corey, and have provided a resting place for many broken hearts.

[Olivia]

Corey, I feel so deeply for you. I have been present for the pain and the transition into death of so many loved ones. Each situation is unique but I have found that simply trying to not resist and being present for whatever my loved one is going through is so important. And communicating even if they can't. Sharing my love and my thoughts and telling them I am with them and they don't have to worry about me or look after me. And saying whatever comes up in the moment. Soul talk, uncensored. When my sister died my niece and I were with her and it was like helping someone learn to fly. Following every movement and being with her. And when she left we felt this enormous rush and opening move through our hearts. I absolutely knew she was safe and free of pain and struggle. There were other women in the room, one who was going to die. She said she felt so happy to have experienced the beauty of it. It sounds odd, but we all felt joyous. It felt exactly like a birth and all the pain she had gone through, like labour pains, was gone and easy to forget because we felt her arrival and even went a little way there with her. Other passings have been more difficult, but I always keep this with me to encourage myself to be as present as I can. You are such a strong spirit. Feel all of our prayers with you as you meet this sacred time with your father.

[clarice]

You are not alone, we are with you in prayer. Love Clarice

[deirdre]

I'm holding you in my heart everyday.

[Beth]

Wow, that was powerful. We just went through exactly what you described with my grandmother. Terror at being there when she flew away, terror at NOT being there when she left. In the end, I was there. So glad...

Thanks for sharing.

[Lilly]

I've been dreaming of my dad these past few nights and I think it's sharing your experience here that has brought him back to my thoughts. As I've said, I was also the night shift for my dad and your experience is much like mine. The night, the window, the sound of the machines and my dad, with all the pillows. My heart goes out to you because I know this is so hard but as you already know, you'll be so glad forever that you were there. It will end although it might seem endless right now. I have 3 siblings and a stepmother and it turned out that only one sister could really stay the course with me. It's a testament to you that you are doing this and a testament to the love you have for your dad and he for you. I pray for peace and freedom for you both.

[Suze]

Fly, fly precious one
Your endless journey has begun
Take your gentle happiness
Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore
There is peace forevermore
But hold this memory bittersweet
Until we meet
~~~~~~~~~~~
Corey,
the hardest part is telling them to fly away...I didn't get to be there when my mom flew away or when my first husband, like yours, died suddenly. But I was so luckly to be with my best friend Michael who died from a short but heroic battle against cancer. I was able, like you to spend endless hours holding his hand, caring for him. I'll never forget the feeling of him rubbing his thumb across my hand and our eyes meeting, knowing how much we loved each other. And in those last moments before he flew into Gods loving arms, I was able to tell him how much I loved him and that it was okay to be scared, okay to let "US" go. I would watch over his wife and we would never forget him...he died five minutes later. The lyrics above are from a song by Celine. We played it at his memorial and it was so beautiful because I knew he was flying...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fly, fly do not fear
Don't waste a breath, don't shed a tear
Your heart is pure, your soul is free
Be on your way, don't wait for me
Above the universe you'll climb
On beyond the hands of time
The moon will rise, the sun will set
But I won't forget

I continue to hold you and your sweet daddy in my heart and prayers...

Suze

[tinker]

My heart and prayers are with you, Corey. An image came to me while reading your words - of an antique birdcage with a beautiful bird inside...even though the birdcage may once have been gilded and lovely, over all the years it has become rusty and slowly, piece by piece, it is falling apart. Though the bird is a little frightened by what is happening to what was once his home, by the time the last piece of the cage falls away, the beautiful bird realizes he is free now to soar in the heavens - and flies away...

I have stood in your shoes - more than once - though for not as long as you have been standing in them - but what seemed more than long enough for the ones I loved... I know how badly those shoes pinch and hurt as you try to make your way on your path...

I wish I could ease your sorrow and bring you some comfort...I hope it helps at least a little, to know so many of us are thinking of you and praying for you and your family.
Many ((hugs)) to you, my friend~XOXO

[Kathy Woods]

Dear Corey

I have only just come across your blog. I feel for you so much.....I too have been in this place, not quite as far from home as you are, but I live on on the other side of Australia from my family,(all of us having left England many years ago).

You are so brave and strong and that will get you through this. Your Dad is so very lucky to have you as his daughter. I know how much it meant to my Dad when I arrived and how much I was able to help in the time I was there.

Cry when you need to, stay strong when you can and just be there.

take care

Kathy

[Michelle R.]

Corey, I don't know you but my heart goes out to you and yours. I also am praying ... fly away, fly away. May you feel the peace as it surrounds your entire family.

[wilsonian]

Oh Corey...
Lord, have mercy.
xo

[Alison Whittington]

Corey, my thoughts and love are with you. I don't have any words of wisdom to offer that others haven't already shared, but I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you.

I think there's a web of love around the world from your readers, specially for you and your dad and your family.

[Sarah]

Corey,
hugs, prayers and thoughts to you, your father and your family. My mom told me as she was dying, "its not the worst thing, now is it", I had to honestly respond no. I feel for you.
Sarah

[Gillian]

Corey
Who better to be by his side than you. What a lucky man, to have raised such a caring, conscientious daughter who is holding such a tireless vigil as this? Your father. So fortunate to have you all there right now. You are so strong to post these very personal and close happenings...my thoughts are still and will be with you.
Much love to you and a big hug for your dad,
Gillian
xoxo

[Jeni]

your in my thoughts and prayers. I have stood where you stand, looking into the eyes of my Father,last March. I wish I had the words
to ease the pain in your heart. You so eloquently put into words what you are experiencing. Just know you are not standing alone.

[Rosemary]

Dear Corey,
I feel so sad for you and your family. My heart dropped reading this post.
My prayers are with you, and your family.
Rosemary

[Kelley]

I know that this is not easy and we all are praying for your father and your family. Someone early posted that your father may be waiting for "permission" to pass. I think that is what my grandfather did. He truly waited for all of us to be there, he got up in his wheelchair and sat and chatted with us a bit and then that night he passed. So maybe, as hard as it is to hear, you do need to go ahead and tell him that you love him but it is okay to "fly away". All my love for you and yours.

[Vicki]

Corey as I sit here with tears rolling down my face all I can do is pray for you and your family and send you thoughts of love and peace. You are an incredible daughter and what love surrounds your father...he is a very rich man. Hugs and love!!!

[Julia]

Oh, Corey, my heart just breaks for you. Your words are so touching and heartfelt, and if I can feel their depth of caring from across the internet, I can only imagine how deeply your father feels your love with you right beside hime helping him in his hours of need. Many blessings as you weather this storm. My prayers are with you and your family.

[Diogenes]

Dear Corey,

Your heart and mind are works of art.

[Tammy]

Corey,
I continue to pray. So much has been said here so I will just add my prayers for all of you.

love and hugs

[Christine]

I think through all of your posts I have come to conclusion that your mom and dad must be amazing people to have you and their other children and family care so much to be there for them. Your Dad must realize this on a deep level. He's reaping the love he sowed with his family in the most difficult part of his life.
Sending positive thoughts your way.

[Wendi Kelly]

Oh Corey,

I remember oh too well the final vigil at my aunt's bed as she cried in pain and confusion.
How hard it was to learn that there truely are worse things than death, that death can become a sweet and beautiful relief for those who suffer and for those who believe that there is a better place to go.

Corey, the last three days, we made the choice to leave the intensive care and go to a beautiful Hospice. There were classical guitars and music playing, praying and singing her favorite music, family and friends gathered round, telling wonderful stories. What a shift in the atmosphere. The fear was gone, the moaning and groaning gone, she slept peacefully. Those days were such an amazing wonderful gift and an exquisite journey toward her new life...

When it feels like there is no hope, there is still hope. There is hope of gentle peace and the end of pain.

My heart is with you.
Wendi Kelly

[Chris Kalina]

Corey,
Not too long ago I was where you are right now as my 8 siblings and I sat with my mother as we waited for that final peace. It is important to let him know it's o.k. to leave, and reassure him that you will be o.k., hard as that might be. My prayers are with you.

[Mahala]

Corey, my heart so goes out to you. My Dad passed in 2006 and he wanted to be home instead of a convalescent home, so I left my family and moved in with him in another town for two months. I was his 24/7 care giver with the help of our local Hospice. My husband brought the kids often and it was a nice help.
My dad went from sitting watching tv with me to having to be carried to totally in bed in just days. It was so hard to see him hallucinate and to calm him. Then when he slept, I'd sit by him for so long just looking at him.
On the fourth of July he thought an intruder was breaking in his window, but it was just the towns fireworks display. There were so many scary nights for him and he had fun animated conversations with "someone" as well. Oh yeah, my dad had no voice box so I never heard a sound from him only his eyes and hands could tell me what he wanted and needed.
Oh wow, I'd better stop, it gets to me still.
You are a wonderful person to stay with your dad and look after him the way you do. Not everyone can do that. I have three siblings and they couldn't bring themselves to see my dad, it was killing them...and me.
Your Dad is blessed to have you.

[Tess]

Corey, when you and your family started on this long journey I wonder if you could have known where your words would go.
Reading through the comments, I know that I am not the only one finding solace and a degree of catharsis through your poetic words for our own various losses and griefs.
Your willingness to share the rawness of your own pain reaches out to others in such a beautiful way.
Praying for you all.

[Elaine L.]

Corey,

What you are experiencing is so difficult. I pray that when my father's time comes that he'll go in his sleep. I don't think I could bear watching his suffering. Sometimes, I think that the suffering prepares us to be able to release our loved one and for them to finally give in to God's will.

Why do some suffer and other's just go? My aunt died at 94 while sitting in her wheelchair listening to a conversation between two friends. She literally took a deep breath and was gone.

I agree with others who have said that sometimes a person hangs, on in suffering, for their loved ones. Many people die when no one is in the room. I have heard many stories of people who die minutes after the family has given them permission.

When a person has an easy death, we always say it's a blessing.

I pray that your father's suffering will soon end.

~elaine~

[Paula]

Hug

[Kris]

Chère Corey.

[Julie]

I am crying along with you. I, too, am facing my father's death. Though not as imminent as yours still sooner rather than later. He has pulmoanry fibrosis and it is a terrible way to leave this Earth.

I pray that you find courage and peace in this journey. For it is one of the hardest things to be part of. No one wants their parents to suffer this way.

[Lynda ~ Hedgerow Hollow]

Dear Corey ...
I wish there was something that I could say that would ease your pain but I can't find the words. All I can offer you are my prayers and my hugs ... I hope you can feel my arms around you.
xo,
Lynda